saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
