i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
