My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
