I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
