dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
