I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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