September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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