I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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