He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
