I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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