I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
