i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
