my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
