He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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