You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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