i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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