o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My penis needs a shock collar
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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