as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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