Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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