It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
