The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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