she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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