Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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