My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Duck Duck Cougar?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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