dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
