The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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