I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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