She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
