I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
whose parrot is this?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
