I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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