The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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