just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
