I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
