I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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