Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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