I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
