I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
