Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
