you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
where are you?
Hypothermia
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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