omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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