by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
