I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
