My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
