did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
