I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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