We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
