I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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