I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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