You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
