I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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