meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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