Pants 0. Shit 1.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're a waste of cheezeits
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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