I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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