Having a random hookup so left but love u
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
