Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
